True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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