when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
