Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Tornado booty call.. dedication
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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