Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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