i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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