im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
