The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just forgot I was standing up.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
