You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
