I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
