Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
