plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
