he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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