I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he thought i was a dude.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
