Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
