why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
