Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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