so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
