On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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