Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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