We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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