I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
