we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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