Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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