I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
