i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
