I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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