Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
