i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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