How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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