Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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