tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
