Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
