He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
