Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
this will be a night to untag.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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