I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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