Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
