i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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