The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize