I should be sponsored by Trojan
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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