You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So many bounce houses so little time
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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