I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Drunk is not a location!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
