Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
