I want to walk on stilts...naked
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
