I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
