I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
