Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
