The maid of honor just puked.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
