I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
