I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
