When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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