The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
