fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
