Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
