i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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