Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
