I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
