Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
