I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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