you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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