On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
